Someone asked me this at a barbecue once—not in those words, and without knowing what she was asking—and I realised I’d never properly answered it, even to myself. Everything I’d written up to that point was about what it did for him, or for us. Nobody had asked what I got. “It’s not what you’d think,” I said, and then couldn’t finish the sentence. If you’re holding the key and quietly wondering whether you’re allowed to enjoy it, that’s the question worth sitting with.

The Answer I Couldn’t Give at the Barbecue

What I eventually worked out is that the part I like least is the power, which is the bit everyone assumes is the appeal. What I like is being paid attention to. Insight: The reward isn’t control over him—it’s the quality of attention that comes back. Once I could name that, I stopped feeling I had to justify enjoying it.

Try finishing the sentence yourself: “The part I like is…” It’s harder than it sounds.

What It Actually Gives Me

Five things, honestly.

1. Being Thought About

He is aware of me during the day in a way he wasn’t before. That’s the whole of it, really—the rest is decoration.

2. Not Having to Hint

I used to hint. Now I say, “Tonight I’d like…” and that’s the end of the sentence. Losing the hinting was worth more than I expected.

3. A Reason to Be Deliberate

Nothing here happens by accident, which means our evenings get planned rather than defaulted into. “What are we doing Thursday?” turns out to be an intimate question.

4. Confidence That Travels

Deciding things at home made me better at deciding things everywhere else. That was an unexpected side effect, and it’s the one I’d least want to give back.

5. Being Looked After

Because I’m the one holding it, he checks on me more, not less. “Are you alright?” comes from him now. I didn’t see that coming at all.

You’re Allowed to Enjoy It

It took me two years to be able to answer that question, and the answer turned out gentler than I expected. If the role itself still feels like something you’re borrowing rather than holding, that’s worth working on first—and it’s worth remembering what he’s actually handing over when he gives it to you. You don’t have to justify it—but it’s worth being able to name it. What would you say if someone asked you? Share below. For a head start, grab my free Top 10 Trust-Building Tips for Couples—it’s yours the moment you subscribe.