Say it before it curdles into resentment. Enthusiasm drifting apart is ordinary and usually fixable, but only while you’re still willing to talk about it plainly.

I read every letter myself, usually over tea before the house is up—thank you for trusting me with this one. If you’d like to ask something, the Contact page is open, and your privacy is a given.

What if I want it more than he does?

There’s a fair amount written about the opposite — the husband who’s keen and the wife who isn’t sure. Almost nothing about this way round, which is strange, because it happens just as often once a couple is a year or two in. He asked for it, you grew into it, and somewhere along the way you overtook him.

It happened to us for about four months. I was the one suggesting, planning, looking forward to it, and he was agreeable in a way that was starting to feel like politeness. The thing I got wrong was treating it as a problem with him. Insight: When one of you cools, it’s usually because the thing has stopped meaning what it used to mean — not because they’ve stopped wanting you. Those need completely different conversations, and only one of them is painful.

Here’s how I’d approach it.

1. Ask Without the Accusation Attached

“Are you still enjoying this?” is a question. “You don’t seem into this any more” is a charge he has to answer. The first one gets you the truth.

2. Separate Him From the Practice

“Is it this, or is it everything at the moment?” Work, sleep, and a hard month flatten desire generally. It’s worth ruling that out before concluding anything.

3. Offer to Stop, Genuinely

“We can leave it if you want.” It has to be a real offer, and you have to be willing to hear yes. Anything less and he’ll say what keeps the peace.

4. Find Out What Changed

“What did it used to do for you that it doesn’t now?” Often the answer is small and fixable — it got predictable, or it started feeling like an obligation rather than a gift.

5. Be Honest About Your Own Position

“I’ve come to like this more than I expected, and I don’t want to be the only one.” That’s a harder sentence than it looks. It’s also the one that lets him tell you the truth.

Ours came back, though not to the same shape — less often, more deliberate, and better for it. If it’s become routine rather than lukewarm, that’s a slightly different fix. And if you’re in the more common position of him wanting it more than you, I’ve written about that too. Which way round is it in your house? Share below. For a head start, grab my free Top 10 Trust-Building Tips for Couples—it’s yours the moment you subscribe.