Then don’t. Leading isn’t a mood you have to manufacture, and pretending is worse than pausing — he can always tell.
Every letter reaches me personally, usually over tea before anyone else is up—thank you for sending yours. If there’s something you’d like to ask, the Contact page is open, and your privacy is a given.
What if I’m not in the mood to lead?
This is the letter I most wish someone had written for me three years ago, because I spent an embarrassing amount of time treating my own flat weeks as a problem with me.
Everything I read assumed a woman who wanted to be in charge and needed permission or technique. Nothing addressed the far more ordinary situation: liking the arrangement in general, and on a given Tuesday having no appetite for deciding anything at all. My libido is medicated and unreliable at the best of times, so “not in the mood” is a regular visitor in this house rather than an occasional one.
What I got wrong was treating it as something to push through. Insight: Leading is a role, not a mood — which means it can be set down for a week without being resigned from. The couples who struggle are the ones who conflate “I don’t feel like it tonight” with “maybe this isn’t me.”
Here’s what I’d tell my earlier self.
1. Say It Out Loud
“I’m not up to deciding anything this week.” Plain, unapologetic, no diagnosis attached. He will cope with this far better than with a week of you being subtly absent.
2. Separate Tired From Finished
Ask yourself honestly: is this a flat week, or have I stopped wanting this? Both are legitimate. They need completely different responses, and only one of them needs a real conversation.
3. Let the Structure Carry It
This is what the rules are for. If you agreed something on Sunday, it doesn’t need renewing on Wednesday. Past-you already decided — present-you can coast on it.
4. Shrink It, Don’t Stop It
One sentence at breakfast is still leading. “Same as last week” takes no energy at all and keeps the thread intact through a flat fortnight.
5. Don’t Perform Enthusiasm
He can tell. Manufactured interest reads as duty, and duty is precisely what neither of you wants this to become. Honest flatness is better than convincing pretence.
Mine come and go, and the arrangement has survived all of them — mostly because I eventually stopped treating each one as evidence about who I really am. If yours has gone quiet for longer than a flat week, that may be a different thing worth looking at. How do you handle the flat weeks? Share below. For a head start, grab my free Top 10 Trust-Building Tips for Couples—it’s yours the moment you subscribe.